Life Or Something Like It

Handonly

Now now don’t you stare at me like that, I have a multitude of excuses prepared for the rather dreadful delay in my posting rate.

Let’s start right off then shall we? I wrote another book. YES INDEED. In the time it took you to not read my début novel, I managed to create, publish and unpublish an entire new one. A far far far superior experience at that. In fact, I can now reveal “The Cult Of Wensday” was actually “practice” all along. The book I most recently wrote is one I’ve pined over for a decade, dismayed at lacking the ability to do it justice. TCoW’s creation is what allowed me to sharpen my skills enough to pull it off. Which is also why I went and made all digital versions of TCoW completely free a while back.

What’s this?! Another question? Why did I unpublish it? Simply put, I originally self-published, after receiving dozens of rejection letters. Perplexing still the rejection letters from publishers ALL commented on how well written it was, how “professional” it was, but none wanted to pick it up. In fact some were dickish enough to insist I think of marketing first and writing content second.

Then Bad Dream Entertainment came along, and one Saturday evening when I was once again putting off the hundreds of women who don’t want to sleep with me (I’ll remind you 30 is approaching, and it looks like I’ll hit that rather shameful milestone!) and that particular publisher ACTUALLY WANTED IT. So of course I signed on, signed away my rights and have spent the past few months editing it to make for a more refined experience. The changes have actually been rather tame, and surprisingly respectful of the original work. I’d say the only sour one is they’d prefer to use professional artwork for the cover (making my original print cover – and yes this exists physically in quite a few people’s hands – moot). Yet I’m oddly happy with that choice anyway, it means I can get someone truly talented at art to make a cover I never could.

That’s one of the reasons I decided to focus on writing actually. Indeed the constant suggestions by others I do it motivated me a fair deal, but I came to accept that I’m half the artist than the writer I am, and even further from what I eventually hope to be. My art never had control. I could not imagine a scene and draw it, I could draw it and then have to write around whatever I drew….a painful task. With writing, I see no walls at all.

Reeling from anything remotely close to arrogance or confidence I should remind you I suck, am going to die a virgin and recently got romantically rejected for the 34th time. It surprises me how often I still dive headfirst into “first dates” despite my 5% success rate, it doesn’t however surprise me that I’ve been counting, or that the number has reached that high by now.

Oh yes yes the book! It’s called “Usu” and you can find out more about it if you check the novels section in the projects section. I’d confess it was born from a secret hell I experienced a decade ago, so secret I made a page long post about it and advertised it all over the artwork section THAT NO ONE EVER VISITS. *ahem* The far more official release of the novel should be around April/May if my editor doesn’t murder me first. In the mean-time you COULD read my first book, but we both know the chances of that occurring.

Other than being rejected several times, writing a new book and another absolutely useless hospitilsation, little of note has actually occurred. I met another Swedish Modblogger (unfortunately male this time – not that I had a chance in hell with the lass), impressed him with my ability to get lost in small spaces, learned basic Slavic history and drank a coke in an English Pub like a fucking badass.

Interesting side facts! The hand (for the old cover and the post) is once again my own. I tried to get a girl to hand model for me on one of those rejection romps, but left to the dust once again I simply took a photo of my girly hands and that was that.

As I have a religious belief to not read any legal documentation before I sign it, I’m actually not sure what I can and can’t say about the novel at this point in time. To be safe I’ll simply say editing is going better than I expected and release is expected around the middle of the year yonder. Because reasons.

To pack as much useless content into this post as you’ve come to expect, allow me to once again unleash my mastery of bulletpoints!

 

  • Still a virgin
  • Women still very fond of the idea of bludgeoning me
  • Bathed
  • Scared off a sexual predator by being too nice to them
  • Got to chaperone a “Mafia Princess” for a day

 

That last point could use more explanation, like how it was supposed to be first date but ended up being me meeting this girl surrounded by 20 massive Arabic men discussing “business”, and then hanging out with her 13 year old brother who ran around a public mall naked shouting about the supposed existence of his genitals, but, but I won’t ramble on that topic. Instead, I’ll abruptly end this post when you suddenly start suspecting it.

Milked Stake

OnewayupLARGE

I’m sorry, did I interrupt you? You know, from all that reading of my novel you’ve not been doing. Though respectfully, one entire person has claimed to have read it so far, with sales uhh several times that. I’m going to keep working with one as a base for the deceptive multiplier.

For all my lack of profit and feedback, I at least can hold claim to widespread availability. Now even iTunes and The Nook Store are mysteriously undercutting me, and the two physical copies I possess do smell rather nice.

On the topic of things that smell rather nice, long-time-readers (which is all I have for better or worse) may recall modblog. The delightful little blogging pioneer where this site not only got started, but where thousands learned to efficiently ignore me each day!

Now I’ve met A LOT of people from THE INTERNETS in person, probably more than three dozen or so, but those have generally been failed dating attempts (usually they chew through the ropes and chains are cumbersome), with my only “fellow modblogger” encounter before that being the horror-inspiring “Sir Penistuck” I’ve mentioned on here far far farrrrr too many times.

THIS CHANGED RECENTLY! Indeed, little less than a week ago a Swedish lass and a lesbian that could kick my ass in any manpower requiring task, ventured to my little rabbit hole, allowing me to “hang out” for the day. By “hang out”, I of course mean “insult myself constantly, look awkward and get us lost for hours at a time”. We braved the depravity of “Sandton City” – a local wallet vacuum in building form – and partook in icecream related activities! Considering the last time I did that I was dumped hours later……it was a pleasant change of memory. There’s a picture linked in that blog of text somewhere, you know it’s a good one because you can’t really see me.

Odds And Ends

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Or in this particular case: A rather odd end. Indeed, as your cerebral cerebebebebababian parts have no doubt already informed you, I have in some dubious fashion managed to finish “The Cult Of Wensday”.

Let’s get the iffy bit out first shall we? Purchasing! Yes, if so inclined you can get a physical hardcover copy of it here (which I recommend if you wish my authoring career to not be measured in kelvin and rather actual, physical manifestations) and the estranged ebook version here. That particular ebook using some horrific new “ePub” format I was required to dabble in, needless to say I now finally have a format I loathe with equal measure to pdf, bmp and the ever flirtatious “.flac”.

But if you’re like me, and less inclined to throw money away you might be able to find a free version, with only a few more typos and formatting issues to its name.

Actually just READ IT. This appears to be the rather large hurdle at the moment, I can’t even feel depressed about making a “bad” book because no one has read it (myself included of course) to tell me if it is or isn’t!

More excitingly, they both have ISBNs attributed. This means, regardless of Oxford’s actual wishes – or sodding Thatcher’s for that matter – both my name and the /correctly/ spelled title will have some vague sense of immortality in the record of bibliographies. This is sort of like procreation, but gentler on my carpet.

P.S.

For those wondering, but too lazy to check, the book totalled a margin above the requirement for a “Novella”. Gushing out at an estranged 19,000+ words.

P.P.S.

I also make piss profit on the hardcopy, less than a dollar at that, but would still prefer people get that version.

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Run DMZ

Natalie

And so, after weeks upon weeks of a bland maintenance front page, you my faithful imaginary readers are greeted with an impressively more bland design in all its glory!

Though that has always been more of my style, I prefer the artwork – or ghastly writing – to be eye-catching, and psychedelics in the layout never quite accomplishes more than a seizure. I did go more into my “Capsule Design” style than ever before with this one, but am rather happy with both the design and the slightly more functional WP backend. I say slightly because WP is still fucking retarded with images, but now slightly less fucking retarded. Perhaps autistic, but I fear I may be giving it too much credit there.

Barton (guy who paid for site all these years because you all suck in varying degrees of financial charity) helped piece together the actual PHP for the layout, which is pretty important because otherwise I’d just have a giant jpg here, and I shit you not that I’ve done it before with one of the much much earlier designs.

HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE: The “Projects” section. This is pretty much my approach to my ever branching creative outlets. Comics can now be bulk downloaded (I also found one YS comic I never even published, don’t know why because at least I giggled when I read it.) whilst artwork now has a rather exhaustive page for every piece, detailing some concept art and relevant trivia. Rambles are a bit of a mess because WORDPRES IS FUCKING RETARDED and I *breathes deeply* have to resort out all the permalinks (They enjoy changing core systems mid development, did a similar thing with a switch from UTF-8 to Latin. Or the other way around, I’m confused, lonely and abusing brackets.) along with images (because WP liked changing the cases of file names and thus they don’t match my personal versions – another great idea!). No one really cares about those so I’ll be a bit slack in that regard, what no one really cares about either is the NOVELS section.

The plural is hope. Despair for you all, but a personal sort of hope at least.

That said I have gotten disgustingly little feedback on CoW recently. Absorb Chapter 1-9and do pretend to like it, lest I lose the motivation to breathe, let alone write about others doing so. [EDIT FROM THE FUTURE] You all are horrible horrible people who give less feedback than feedbags. Still, I managed to finish the book. Waste money on it physically or digitally.

P.S.

About a year of content was lost. Blame shitty old host and me doing my last backup a year ago. Mostly the former if you would >_>

P.P.S.

AND YES THIS THEME IS ALL ABOUT THE SHADOWS. I FOUND DROP SHADOW AND I WILL USE IT LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD WITH LENS FLARE UNTIL YOU LIKE IT.

P.P.P.S.

A chronically ill friend who joked about reading CoW killing her…..actually died. She did mention I should use the word “Genitalia” more often moments before so though, and I shall honour her COMPLETELY COINCIDENTAL memory by doing just that! On a more sincere note, she will be missed, even if it means my nipples are now safe from violent twists.

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