Mom….Dad, I think it’s time we face the truth. I’ve been thinking for a while and well….I’ve come to the conclusion that…..Jesus just doesn’t love me.

Oh he loves YOU GUYS that’s for sure, but me? I guess, ever since Father McCoy demonstrated how Moses and his “mighty staff” parted the red sea, with my rear playing role of the (soon to be red) sea, I’ve gotten the distinct feeling that I’m not exactly in the J-man’s good books, and if I am then these books are clearly very naughty.

No no…It’s alright Mom. I knew you’d be confused but it’s true. There’ve been other signs up until now, just think about it.

Remember that time we went to the zoo when I was 11? Wasn’t it nice how bright the sun was shinning, how sweet the birds were singing, and when that giant volcano suddenly erupted from a slightly larger than normal anthill I stepped on, oh weren’t the mass burns everyone received just lovely?

Pauly like, TOTTALLY agrees with me too. You guys remember Pauly right? You know, that friend who’s been helping me learn to breath underwater using the school toilets? Well during one of the few times he accidentally flushed and I wound up in the sewer system, I came upon a very intriguing discovery! Contrary to what the 3 year old down the street tells me with such great authority, poo does NOT taste like candy. Not even bad candy. I’ve told his mother to watch out as all those oddly coloured twizzlers he seems to find may be umm *entirely organic* if you know what I mean.

Huh? Oh oh yeah, the Jesus thing. Well AFTER the whole facial feces experimentation I found something else, something….so very disturbing.
I had found Barney. Barney the dinosaur, washed up in urine much like his career, was just sitting there singing the ‘I love you’ song in a slow beautifully melancholic tune. My heart opened up to the big purple dinosaur (much like how my rear opened up to Father McCoy’s purple dinosaur on far too many occasions) and I couldn’t help but approach him but when I finally got within 3 feet of the beast he looked up and, still in song, said “I loooooove y-, no wait? TED? Oh hell, I don’t love YOU.”.

There! Right there! See that?!? It’s obvious to anyone with a malignant tumor or two that Barney and Jesus are a spiritually linked duo, so when he told me he didn’t love me? It meant he was speaking for Jdizzle himself!

Whaa? You guys are looking at me like I’m crazy or something?

Rambles are written by Basjohn on a biweekly-drunken-slur basis.
Ideas for future rambles can be sent via morse code to your nearest crackdealer.