New experiences can leave you stronger, wiser and occasionally worrying about how easily you bruise. The last of which was the case when my niece sucker punched me rather recently.

I suppose I can’t say it was entirely unexpected as 90% of women I’ve ever had contact with have thrown something large at me while smiling a smile fit for a DVD-only Jerry Springer episode…..but you’ll forgive me if I find myself a little confused by the whole ordeal…..

The ordeal isn’t the sucker punch (which admittedly was by a 10 month old who probably confuses my hair with porridge) but rather the “Being an Uncle” aspect, how I’m supposed to do Unclythings in Unclyways and how I’m expected to have automatically overcome the fear of children I’ve possessed since I was one.

Added to the merry-go-round of oddness is that I was declared her Godfather. As an aspiring failure at life I find that to be a little bit of a daunting quasi-responsibility….or at least I did until I also discovered that his girlfriend (yay for modern society being too hip and cool for marriage but not unplanned childbirth!) declared her merriment of siblings to be godfathers and godmothers as well.

I should establish that contrary to what many of you were thinking, being a godfather isn’t anything like the movie. There are no horses, fancy suits or old men that sound like their testicles produce industrial grade helium. There IS an awful lot of financial extortion though, so that’s kind of a plus……until you realise which end of it you sit on of course.

One thing that concerns me over and above everything else would have to be what I’m going to get her to call me. Her current choice is what I can only assume is the Klingon word for anal suppositories but I’m looking for something a little more…….defined. I’m leaning towards “Uncle ReallybigpenismissIswear” (for when I take her out and do EXACTLY what her father made me do in order to potentially attract female suitors) but might also settle for “Uncle Thatsmyspecialplace” as a sort of eternal getoutofbabysitting-free card.

P.S.

Taro has complained I haven’t been making fun of enough Japanese things lately and so I’d like to apologise for this the only way I know how: Via a potentially insincere (and italiced!) PS message at the bottom of an entry.

P.P.S.

I found and monochromeulated THIS photo of me and (the severely over-mentioned) Sir Penistuck rather recently. The best part about the photo is that It makes me feel like a superhero who’s only power is looking like he’s taking a shit.