Sometimes life does unexpected things. Sometimes life turns your perceptions upside down. And sometimes…..sometimes life makes you spend your Valentine’s day with a gay (half-naked) Asian man using a blow-dryer on an open fire while giggling to the opening theme of Evangelion.

Of course things are a little more complicated than they may first seem. The origin of such an event was an invite by my ex-girlfriend (Nata-chin)/now “just friend” (yes yes, I am the only living man to attempt such a feat) to hang out with her brother (Rollo-chan) and the fabulous merry-go-round of rainbows that compromises the rest of her friend base for the day.

Now it won’t be news to…well…anyone, that I dread that day of the year more than I dread listening to a lecture on the virtues of not changing my socks while driving (which is something I know I really should stop doing – but the CRINKLY SENSATION UNDER MY FOOT COMPELLS ME). I’ve spent it single since the get-go and haven’t once received a gift on it that wasn’t from someone with the same last name as me.

This time around wasn’t any different of course, although perhaps the sharp irony of spending it with an EX-girlfriend was enough to interrupt my constant waterworks with a few misplaced school-girl like giggles.

Continuing the “notnewstome” chapter, I’m shy. Shy and anti-social, perhaps one because of the other but I don’t think it’s the order that particularly matters here. That said I was pretty nervous when meeting her friends….although that nervousness came to wear off when I learned their primary topic of conversation was vomit and the ways they’ve been able to expel it while moving.

They were a classy bunch.

I haven’t quite touched on the event’s actual “objective” just yet and that was, to put it in terms my American audience would understand, a barbecue.

The local name is a tad different but you’re not here to learn, you’re here to pretend what I say has some universal significance greater than the length of my penis. Soooo…..we’re going to use the American name.

With that said a Barbecue is a good idea….considering you actually have someone attending who knows how to do it. Unfortunately for us it appeared we lacked this individual.

We did however possess something even greater! And that was the extravagantly homosexual gentleman I mentioned in the intro. What he lacked in barbecue knowledge he made up for with an intense history of pyromania against defenceless toilet rolls!

5 hours, 2 small explosions and several girly screams (from me of course) later we were fed and time went on to inspire a bit of boredom in the group, boredom enough for them to try a game of sorts. This game consisted of writing a word/description/phrase onto a piece of paper, having YOUR OPPONENT lick it and stick it to their heads while then answering minor questions to help them along their path of guessetry.

I don’t win many things in life, usually attributed to my highly perfected mixture of bad luck and sucking at everything, turns out I won that game…..but I suppose it isn’t fair when you counter things like “lollipop” with “paraplegic hamster”.

My vile actions ASSide though, the evening quickly spun onwards and to led me to have minor conversations with a self-racist Indian fellow and one very displacing aroundmywaistgrab from the Gaysian’s (Oh how clever of me!) boyfriend when I made the dreadful mistake of making a self-implicating gay joke with Rollo-chan like I’m used to doing.

The final moments of the night took me out into the darkness where I reluctantly revealed my Santamata symbol to Nata-chin as some sort of very disturbing gift of friendship on my part and simultaneously understood why I have less in-person friends than I have fingers on one of my hands.

When all is said and done I did have a fair deal of fun. The barbecue bit of the well…..barbecue might’ve failed miserably but it was a nice change from my usual routine of cutting myself violently while watching reruns of MASH aaaaand while my romantic intentions may have been sadly ground to (fairy) dust quite some time ago, I do still enjoy “hanging out” with the girlygirl creature.

P.S.
Vday still sucks ass (with result) though.