Farewells are a beautiful thing, and while people and music might initially come to mind when thinking of such, toddlers grabbing each other by the crotch and me screaming hysterically (while realizing that I’m definitely NOT too proud for adult diapers) probably comes as slightly more of a surprise.

I say slightly because if you’ve been following along at home, you’ll know that our hero has the same level of ability to attract misfortune as battery acid has to give you heartburn or at the very least make your tea taste somewhat unpleasant.

It’s difficult, and potentially unlawful, to explain how I know this from experience.

B-BACK TO OUR POINT. Considering this fact, it isn’t really all that surprising that when I was invited to see off a friend (Derick/Deri-kun – who a whopping 0% of you may remember from my INTENSE, AND RIVETING paintball episode where I dealt death, destruction and diarrhea upon my enemies!) more than a little trouble found its way to me.

The trouble began with our journey to the actual venue. D-chan, being the hopeless romantic he is, picked me up at 7 when he understood that epilepsy (and general incompetence) prevented me from driving and it was only then I found out our original destination was abruptly changed from the high class dining establishment known as “Hooters” (apparently famous for its owl population) to a worldcupfanparkthingy. The cells in my body that like sport vibrated with joy immeasurable!

Yes, all zero of them.

Then there was the actual WALKING in the mall. Degrading as my health has been, walking at a normal pace has become considerably difficult and there were MANY times D-chan would TELEPORT 20 meters into the distance only for me to sort of collapse my body in his direction hoping it would catch up. This climaxed when at one point when I attempted my cunning method of gravity-utilization, I found myself HURTLING into a pair of attractive girls roughly my age. Thankfully my innate agility kicked in however and I slipped centimeters past them only to hear cries of “WOW! Ha….ha…haha…” from behind as I pretended to casually carry on walking.

The location, only mildly obstructed by the back of D-chan's skull and my own inability to take photographs.

After arriving I witnessed a sight of strangeness beyond. The fanpark big-screen tv had decided that while we wait for the game it would display two children. Two children doing some sort of cute dance. Some sort of cute dance that involved them rubbing each others crotch as they did the closest thing to break dancing you’d expect from a 3 year old.

At this point the volume (and vuvuzelas) had become rather deafening so I unleashed my master plan. Unfortunately two sugar sachets were sacrificed during its realization.

Exhibit A(sshat) here displays the aforementioned (and emptied) sachet stuffed into my eary orifice.

Scary and shameful things I actually do in public aside, there is one more little event worth mentioning and that would be the CAR TRIP OF DOoOooM. Indeed I did the “man” thing and pretended to go along and care as everyone went to “check out” the one guy’s “hot ride”. This didn’t end with me just going “Oooh thems sum err…r-ribs-ri-rims you got there brudda!” as planned but instead with us all taking a little trip in his car. A TRIP WHICH CONSISTED OF SPEEDS NOT FIT FOR THE MORTAL REALM! I screamed, I came, I yelled for gods which I’ve not even made up yet and in the end my testicles retracted into a place I don’t think they’ll ever emerge from again.

Oddly enough, photos taken at the speed of pantshittetry do not always come out clearly.

Other than that it was pretty much me playing tower defense games on my cell phone while occasionally pretending to be excited when Germany scored and reeling in pain when the HUMAN-vuvuzela behind me would yell for Uruguay.

P.S.

As you may have taken from the entry, health has NOT been happymcfunpants. Second meds equaled second allergy and a second full body rash even larger than the first. Am now MEDLESS as I await a lumbar puncture and my neurologist’s eventual idea of what meds might actually NOT kill me.

P.P.S.

Just to get it out of the way before the “season” ends, I made this AWESOME INVENTION. Of course no one actually agrees with me that it is awesome but I suspect that’s because they’re completely awe-struck and haven’t been able to formulate words properly since seeing it.

To potential sponsors – the final product will likely expand as you blow it, thus leading people in stadiums to smack each other in the fac- I mean look like beautiful flowers blossoming!