This Will Only Hurt A Bit
[Update: Toe managed to get itself reinfected/possessed. Joy joy joy.]
Possibly the least trustworthy words ever to be uttered from a human mouth. When a doctor tells you it will only hurt a bit he generally isn’t taking into consideration the kick in the face you accidentally deliver him as you squirm in universe defying pain.
I was recently the receiver of such words, after I took my demon possessed toe into the emergency ward for a check up. That’s right people, I was looking like a badass mofo around those wussies with malaria while I suffered the impending doom of discolouration.
Nurses ran screaming, doctors ordered bigger scalpels, priests searched desperately throughout the children’s wards for ‘distractions’ ,and that was just after I told them my name.
Hospital is a place I’ve spent more of my time in than I’d ever like to admit. I’ve been sliced, diced, probed from every orifice and made friends with far too many IVs over the years…..but thankfully this time I was out within just a few hours.
The scary part however is what transpired in these few hours.
After signing the 400th form telling them it’s okay to kill me even though they’re a hospital, and getting 20 different nurses looking onwards in horror as my toe screamed “BEEZLEBBUUUUB!” , I was finally taken into one of the doctor’s rooms.
He examined the toe and determined a most unholy NAIL FOLD ABSYSS had taken root. The only way to remove it? Cutting into my toe with NO ANESTETIC! I lay there screaming my most manly screams as I had my first (and I pray last) wonderfuly conscious surgical operation.
Several squeezes later and the toe was exorcised. However there still seems to be some misfortune on the poor thing as now it’s doing it’s best banana impersonation and peeling away.