I come to you today with intentions of revealing the greatest of my secrets. Yes…greater still than me being the Christmas Carebear/Santa Claus reincarnate. This is something truly…..horrifying.

I started noticing a strange phenomenon a few months ago. At first I paid it no heed (mostly because I was feeling cheap) and merely shrugged it off….but now…now that it’s able to occur on a daily basis I feel I need to come clean with everyone. You see…I have a power. A power like no one else on this planet. The power to produce blue lint from my belly button.

*Cowers* I know, I’m a monster aren’t I? But I…I just can’t help it. Everyday I reach in there and get a brand new tuff of BLUE fluff. I don’t know why or how my body suddenly started producing blue fluff, or why they won’t let me sell it on street corners without arresting me but I do know one thing. It isn’t going to stop.

If I am consumed by the power of my inner lint demon then I hope I have all of your prayers. I also hope most of you know by prayers I mean money and or advanced lint fighting weaponry.

P.S.

I will be accepting orders for clothing made out of the lint very shortly. Unfortunately due to me only producing an inch per day, orders are on a “Before you die” arrival basis.

Now I don’t really have much sense of personal privacy. I mean, I pretty much think I’m being secretly watched by an evil organization of moon-wombats 24/7, so I’m used to being open…..but little did I know that the wombats weren’t the only ones watching…

I work weekends. I work weekends because I like working weekends. I like working weekends because my contract says I do.

Since that’s out of the way our story can merrily proceed along the trail of idiocy as usual. On Saturday I went into work as usual well…not entirely usual considering they had flooded the place with pepper gas and I came out crying and choking in a fit so strenuous that it would have taken the weight off Oprah, but umm still pretty usual otherwise.

So after my near-death-by-robbery-prevention-technique-moment I start walking towards the Tech dept where I work and get stopped by one of the sales guys telling me ‘you better get your free lunch’. I kinda shrugged it off as them just arsing around like usual but then a few minutes later while I’m on a repair another guy comes in and starts shaking my hand saying I scored the highest anyone in the store’s history has ever scored on their ‘mystery shopper test’.

After probing everyone for questions I discovered IC has a grand little policy of sending fake customers in with HIDDEN CAMERAS to test their staff. Worse yet they played the damn recording of me for the entire store when I was gone. Suuure they all said it was great, “wow” and my free lunch was neato-maginifico but now I’m staring down all my customers to check them for cameras…….and I probably don’t need to tell all of you how many weird looks that’s gotten me in return.

P.S.
New creepy goodness is up in ‘ole gallery yonder.